Neil Delamere, Comedian

Loves

Playing indoor football I'd never claim to be any good at it but it's great craic. Some of the lads I play with were fairly handy when they were younger. Thankfully I've caught them well past their prime. A little part of my soul dies when I'm beaten for pace by a 50-year-old man though.

Random pieces of trivia I have no idea why useless nuggets of information appeal to people (mainly men). I once spent four hours in a pub conversation with Phill Jupitus trying to remember which English football team can be spelt using none of the letters occurring in the word "mackerel".

Talking to a brilliant audience member This is a true joy of the job. Every so often you chat to someone and everything just flies. I once asked a huge lad in the front row was he scared of anything. "Cows," he said in a terrified whisper, "I was chased by a bull as a child". I said, "Surely you should be scared of bulls then?" He stood up, stared at me and said, "When one of them is running at you, you rarely have time to check."

Chocolate - I have an awful sweet tooth. Just give me the chocolatiest thing on the menu for dessert. This cheese board business needs to stop. That is not a dessert. It's tarted up Easi Singles on cream crackers. You're fooling no one.

Christmas - Family. Arguments. Turkey. Claustrophobia. Brilliant.

Loathes

DIY I can't do anything 'handy'. I've tried. I once attempted to put up a shelf. It looked like Heather Mills had been holding the spirit level.

Reactionary complainers They're the people who haven't actually heard or seen what the comic/broadcaster/politician said. Find out what was actually said, the context in which it was uttered, and the point that the person was trying to make. If you are offended then, make a complaint. Don't do it based on conjecture.

Politicians using the phrase "the reality is" I know it's the reality. What's the alternative? Will Mary Lou McDonald ever say "The Matrix is..."

Irish people sounding American It doesn't 'suck' – it's 'shite'. It's not 'awesome' – it's 'great', 'savage', 'deadly' or 'mighty'. Why do you sound like a Californian valley girl, you're from Longford? The ones I really want to have shot are the ones who don't actually use words. They act out the scene: "I was like... and then he was like. I was all no way but he was sooooo uh uh."

The rules that insurance websites have when you're looking for a quote Your quote is based on the following assumptions: that you have not been refused insurance; that you have not been disqualified from driving; that you have a head; that your head faces the right direction; that your car is blue; that you like cake; that the cake you like has no more than four penalty points.

Neil Delamere's latest stand up DVD Créme Delamere is on sale now